I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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