Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
