Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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