I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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