a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
This girl is more easily done than said...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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