She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
