apparently the secret to your success is patron
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
