Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
