I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize