Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize
