Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
