Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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