and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
