Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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