I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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