I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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