How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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