Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
