I need help removing her.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
