By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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