my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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