yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
