You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
