Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
