I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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