I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
