3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
