My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
