I look better un-naked...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm really busy with my period
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