Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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