Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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