mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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