I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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