dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
why do cheetos always look like penises
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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