bring money and cleavage
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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