Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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