the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
