My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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