everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
