Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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