i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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