I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
