Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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