Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
