i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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