Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
