ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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