you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
