I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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