I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
