she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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