I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
