Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
