Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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