I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
