More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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