It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
