She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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