Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
